I know this sounds emo, but am trying to write as much as I can.
I want to get back into writing, journal the state I am so that as time passes, I know of a place to remember what happened in my lifetime.
Credits to this have to be given to the bad memory I have.
Every day I scroll through my social networks,
it is interesting to see what other people have done and accomplished.
But it only leaves me feeling small and intimidated.
Where am I now, what am I doing?
I used to be sure of everything that I do,
how I like things to be.
I still do now, but it is not as important
as it seems previously.
I don't really care about what will I work as, how will things work out.
I don't care what happens next.
Now there's this empty space inside, dying slowly I guess.
Is it because I'm nearing the finish line of my student life?
Crap, I don't even know if I can graduate now.
Heart constantly pounds heavily these days.
Yes, am feeling apprehensive...
I am not usually like that, even on the day of deadline, I don't experience such immense emotions when I am no where near done with my assignments...
But now, things are almost done,
I feel scared, disheartened... Lost.
There's so many things I want to do and I would like to do as always.
But what is different now is that I don't feel like doing any of them now.
And I know I will regret one day...
To be fair, I am living a really decent life,
I know of people who care about me (Or at least I would like to think so),
I get education,
No worries about food and lodging,
No constant fight or flight mode...
What a good life to have.
But I don't know...
Life feels hopeless right now.
As in even though I get to do the things I want,
there's nothing to look forward to.
Exams, Philippines, Christmas, Outings, Work, Cambodia, US...
Yet, I don't feel all that excited for them...
Have I reached the platonic state of life?
Anyway, lucky for me, yesterday and the day before I had dinner and lunch with two different groups who I have not expect to feel belonged and comfortable being with.
The deep discussions with COS group and the cheerful full-of-life conversations with the Sagittarius group brought me out of the platonic state I had been the past few days in that few hours.
Am also grateful to have sweet friends who remembers what you said to them and remembers how special some day means to me...
THANK YOU Lord.
"It's a long long Journey,
till I don't know where I'm supposed to be...
It's a long long Journey,
And I don't know if I can believe..."
- A song I think most people can relate to, nicely written and sung...
There's a stage,
there is light,
But there's no one there...
It's empty...
Is it still a stage?
Journey - Angela Zhang
1 comment:
Life is full of ups and downs and it's up to us to overcome those obstacles and in doing so we realize our own strength to achieve. We all feel lonely and empty at times but this doesn't mean that we are worthless or weak. You may not like those moments but it's just a sign saying that you need some time off to live your present time. Stop thinking about the past and don't try to figure out your future. What's meant to be will eventually show itself. You don't have to chase after it because, like anybody else, God has your back and I'm sure He's planning something worthy for you.
You're still young and so is your life. You're just going through a phase and accomplishing a milestone in your life is really something huge. It's normal to feel lost now because your horizons are once again open but you don't have to think about all this right now. Take a break from everything and just do the things that you love, the things that you've been wanting to do for so long but you just couldn't because of your other priorities. Don't think about it, don't have second thoughts and just disappear for some time. Be with yourself - your inner self - and enjoy life and all the things that you've been given and blessed with. In short, just give yourself some love and cheer up! :)
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