It feels like everything is out to make me lose control

Each and everyday, I feel less of myself...
I know this sounds emo, but am trying to write as much as I can.
I want to get back into writing, journal the state I am so that as time passes, I know of a place to remember what happened in my lifetime.
Credits to this have to be given to the bad memory I have.

Every day I scroll through my social networks,
it is interesting to see what other people have done and accomplished.
But it only leaves me feeling small and intimidated.
Where am I now, what am I doing?
I used to be sure of everything that I do,
how I like things to be.
I still do now, but it is not as important
as it seems previously.
I don't really care about what will I work as, how will things work out.
I don't care what happens next.
Now there's this empty space inside, dying slowly I guess.
Is it because I'm nearing the finish line of my student life?
Crap, I don't even know if I can graduate now.
Heart constantly pounds heavily these days.
Yes, am feeling apprehensive...
I am not usually like that, even on the day of deadline, I don't experience such immense emotions when I am no where near done with my assignments...
But now, things are almost done,
I feel scared, disheartened... Lost.

There's so many things I want to do and I would like to do as always.
But what is different now is that I don't feel like doing any of them now.
And I know I will regret one day...
To be fair, I am living a really decent life,
I know of people who care about me (Or at least I would like to think so),
I get education,
No worries about food and lodging,
No constant fight or flight mode...
What a good life to have.
But I don't know...
Life feels hopeless right now.
As in even though I get to do the things I want,
there's nothing to look forward to.
Exams, Philippines, Christmas, Outings, Work, Cambodia, US...
Yet, I don't feel all that excited for them...
Have I reached the platonic state of life?

Anyway, lucky for me, yesterday and the day before I had dinner and lunch with two different groups who I have not expect to feel belonged and comfortable being with.
The deep discussions with COS group and the cheerful full-of-life conversations with the Sagittarius group brought me out of the platonic state I had been the past few days in that few hours.
Am also grateful to have sweet friends who remembers what you said to them and remembers how special some day means to me...
THANK YOU Lord.


"It's a long long Journey,
till I don't know where I'm supposed to be...
It's a long long Journey,
And I don't know if I can believe..."

- A song I think most people can relate to, nicely written and sung...

There's a stage, 

there is light,

But there's no one there...

It's empty...

Is it still a stage?

Journey - Angela Zhang

Blessing in Disguise

Some times I wish that I have never entered the happy portrait...
Peeking through the stairwell silently, I've always wondered how good life is, if I have never entered their's.
But I was place into the picture, which is weird.
I have no choice but to stay, it's the only way'.
I believe God sends people to some places because it fits the puzzle...
Just like how some parents receive kids with special needs,
they get them because they themselves are special enough to take care of their child,
some one who will carry them through, making the best out of them.
But not everyone sees it that way...
If there's a misfit in life, I am quite sure that I'm the only misfit it in...
And it is only so that I feel like I don't belong in that place.
Perhaps its just a play of perceptions...

__________________________________________________________________
Anyway, here's a good news.
I have never actually won anything in my life which makes me proud.
So this will be the first time...
Got Best Presenter for my research category in the last colloquium of my uni life! haha..
I am really happy because it is the last thing on earth that I expect to happen.
The minute Ms Winnee announced my name, I was stunned. haha...
THANK YOU MS. JOCELYN for considering me even though I felt that I screwed up.
I am so happy! Here's what I got.

I'm a happy gal!!! ^^

It's a blessing in disguise I guess. 

I couldn't sleep the night before as I haven't finished preparing my whole presentation. 

And minutes before my presentation, I was still changing my slides. 

Really can't believe it happened, THANK YOU GOD! ^^

My last colloquium in HELP, 

the day of  uni... (Before finals),

and it's by default a special day for me.

I am blessed....

Although it didn't went as I would love it to be, 

I learned a valuable lesson that day. 

I guess it covers the whole unpleasantness of the whole day.

My baby's name: A Stranger in Others' Eyes: Subjective Experiences of Foreign Workers

Beneath Your Beautiful - Labyrinth

Hurt

There are times when I say I'm happy,

I'm actually not.

OK doesn't mean that I am really ok.

And feeling better doesn't mean I've recovered. 

Sometimes there's actually pain underneath the smile,

Having the inner struggles deep within, 

not sure how to express it. 

And there goes the people who you thought love you,

saying that you're making things up, 

ignoring you all the time,

thinking that the bad things they say about you,

don't really affect you. 

To be honest,

despite voicing out all the time...

Telling them that they matter to me, so much...

that what they say, actually matters. 

"You're so stupid!" 

"Look at people, they can do it, why can't you?"

"You don't help me... Fine! I give up..."

" We'll break"

Despite how ridiculous they think it is that I take that phrase seriously,

It really does. 

Each and every time someone says something bad about me,

it actually hurts, a lot.

No matter how much positive force or energy does't shield those painful words,

denying it doesn't either.

All it does is to leave scars,

one by one, 

all around me... 

I forget...

I do...

A lil' too easily, I think. 

But the scars remain... 

Every time an incident happens, 

it just tear up the scars...

And the bad things told to me appears all over again...

And I forget... things happens...

It's a cycle.

Am I really that stupid?

Am I such a bad and useless person? 

I do have a brain and a heart...

I feel... I ruminate... I too understand the implications of each and every word uttered towards me...

But it hurts.

I hope you all understand this one day.

Every word uttered can hurt as much as stabbing a knife into a heart. 

That's how I always feel... 

The urge to run towards a nail on a wall...

to stop the pain...

But it just makes it more painful...

Thank you for loving me,

and hurting me the same time.

I guess that's the kind of love you all can give,

all I can do is to deal with it. 

Another thing which makes me sad is also the fact that there's no longer Finn Hudson to cheer the whole glee club up... Rest in Peace, Cory Monteith. 

To Get it Right - Lea Michelle

Submitted

Submitted my thesis proposal...
It really felt like a rock just left my body, but the disappointment towards myself seems to weigh up as much as the lightening of the burden..
I really feel that I can do better.
Its taunting, saddening and at time pricks through the heart when you are reminded about the failure you are...
Well, who's there to blame but me?
Anyway, life must still go on, right?
There are better things to do in life than to dwell in unhappiness~

I really miss my guitar felt instant joy when I played it.
Thanks babe! =)

HohohoHohohohohohHohoho....
Lalalallalallalalalallalalalallalalalal...


Belaian Jiwa - FrequenC cast

Feeling Black

So this is how disappointment feels like.
The hope of fairness and justice, a better future for the nation has been swept down the drain as results revealed one by one on the main stream media, while at the same time, sudden drastic changes occurred as shared in social networks.
While people fight for the rights of having a clean elections, many were disheartened with what is going on in our beloved country...
Never felt the urge of following the politics of the country until the last few days...
With hope, I listened, learned and updated myself about the current trends happening around, only to know how some people can become when things are not favorable to their sight.
It's sad, really sad...

Father, may this be a chance to unite all nations, may all of us come together and become a strong nation as a whole. Lets not be defeated by the evil, but persevere until our next fight comes... And we shall stand as one, voicing our concerns, granting our rights to retain democracy.

_____________________________________________________________________
It has been really hard to focus these days as there are so many things to distract me.
Lost the ability to read well, write well and most of all, plan well.
Sickened by the stereotypes and discrimination launched towards foreigners...
Saddened by the fact that I hadn't achieve anything I set out to do this year...
Am praying that I can get back onto my feet again, learn to love the life God has given to me, take the opportunities that are lying ahead of me, see the future as something hopeful...

Life is too short for regrets...

Do You Hear the People Sing - Les Miserables